| Ramblings of a Blue Eyed Dreamer |
|
Hola!
I am currently writing this in the beautiful country of Costa Rica! I am extremely busy right now with lots of travelling and sightseeing, so `i will give a full update when I get back March 9th. Adios!
0 Comments
I am one of those people who so desperately wants to be the one who doesn't care about what other people think. I want to look in the mirror and throw all of those bad tapes out of my head and appreciate me for me. I like to thing that I'm strong and tough and that what other people say and think doesn't affect me in the slighest. I can't say that I am one of those people, though.
Because that would be a lie. Though there are aspects of myself that I really like, I'm someone who naturally bases themselves on what other people think. I don't just follow and pursue things that I want to do because I love them, but because I always have that little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I have to do well. I have to do it right. I have to look good in other people's eyes. I don't want praise. I don't long for it. But I fear being put down. I fear people saying, "God, you're really not so good at piano. Your drawings are mediocre." However, I have managed to build enough confidence surrounding my hobbies and interests that it doesn't affect me anymore. I'm able to listen to my rock music when everyone else is listening to Taylor Swift and not care what they think. But my outside appearence is a completely different story. Let's just say that I'm working on the confidence factor of that. I'm forcing myself to think positive, and try not to nitpick all of those little things. I guess it's the way of females, but I hate it. I hate the way I have so many issues about my weight and things that people insist aren't there. I hate the fact that I don't have any real problems and that I should appreciate myself but on the inside I can't help but not. I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I just want to throw those stupid tapes out the window and watch them crash to the ground. I want to one day just wake up and say, "God, I feel beautiful today. I don't care if other people think I'm not but I know I am and that's all that matters." I want to one day stop modeling myself after Victoria's Secret models and just love myself. However, my little self love project came crashing to the ground yesterday. I was chatting with a friend over FaceTime and I asked her how this guy was, let's call him Richard. Richard had been extremely nice to me lately, and was hinting at asking me out the next time we met. I was so excited, especially because he was making such a big deal about talking about how pretty I was. And then it turned out that he didn't think that of me at all. He was only saying that so the friend that I was chatting to would be nicer to him, because us two are pretty close and he figured that if he liked me that it would all be rainbows and buttercups. Richard never had a crush on me and never wanted to ask me out. When my friend told me this, my jaw hit the ground. It then proceeded to go through the floor when she told me that Richard had been talking about me. Apparently I was "ugly" and "annoying". Me. Ugly. Annoying. My biggest fears were coming to life. A guy who I thought had liked me actually thought I was closer to some horrendous nuisance than a person. Even though I tried not to care about it, I began to freak out. Though people insisted that he was just a creep and a backstabbing liar, it all landed on deaf ears. So now I have another tape in my head of someone else's voice telling me that I'm ugly and annoying. I'm not letting it outwardly affect me and my head tells me that I shouldn't judge myself on some random guy who has a need for gossip. My heart tells me different. My heart tells me that he's not just saying it to say it and that he's right and that I need to work out more and run 5 miles a day and keep my mouth shut. That I need to closet my combat boots and start listening to "normal" music and wear some lip gloss instead of eyeliner. Thank God for my rebellious side. Thank God for the fact that I love Amy Lee and Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin, Linkin Park, Flyleaf, Apocalyptica, Skillet, and all of my other rock bands too much to stop listening. Thank God that my combat boots happen to go with everything and are the most comfortable shoes that I have ever had. Thank God that I still have enough of a sense of myself to keep moving forward no matter what some jerk decides to say about me to everyone else. But that hasn't stopped my heart from breaking when I think about. That hasn't stopped hating the mirror. That hasn't stopped the tapes. Most unfortunately, this blog post is not going to be about an epic song by an epic band. All of my Flyleaf fans know what I'm talking about here. Nope, quite literally, I'm so sick. With nothing less than the terrible common cold.
What can I say? It's in the flu season, it's cold, people around me were getting it. I was destined to meet up with this nemesis of mine. But while everyone else who butted heads with it got a couple of sniffles and a deep cough, I got something much, much worse. My colds are definitely ones for the books. First I have a few days of sore throats and coughing. Then the glands in my neck swell up, making it a very tender area. I start getting congested, and soon anything and everything i eat tastes like a modified version of cardboard. My eye starts watering to the point where it looks like I'm going to a funeral with split personality disorder. After many hours in a row of wiping my nose and eye and going through dozens (literally) boxes of tissues, I am soon as raw and red as a skinned knee. I can no longer touch my chapped face but must instead allow the tears to drip and the nose to run. I know. It sounds like SO much fun. Anyway, I am currently awaiting to get better, but I wanted to make sure that I was heading in the right direction. I asked a good friend of mine who is currently in graduate school for public health (so this stuff is her area of expertise) if the symptoms I were displaying were good or bad. To which she replied, "Well, it sounds like you have a pretty nasty sinus infection. I would take a few days of rest and some meds to get yourself back on track. I'm not an expert, though. See a doctor if your luck isn't changing." Great. Just what I need. Amidst all of this new 2013 flurry I get a sinus infection. I wasn't happy about this, so I asked another friend with due credentials. "Yeah, but you've also been coughing so you probably have a cold and a sinus infection. Oh, what's that, your head hurts? Yep, that'll happen. But you won't get a fever or anything, so it's not like you can stay home and rest it off." There's no rest for the wicked, is there. Well, hopefully I'll make a good recovery. I am sick of people saying, "EEEW OH MY GOD YOU'RE CONTAGIOUS!" or "GO HOME." or "You look dead. Seriously. I'd call the funeral home right now if I were you." WIsh me luck as I battle my greatest foe. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to get s Just wanted to talk a bit about the inaguration that I am watching live right now...I hope that this new oath to office will also come with new energy and strength to move America forward and prosper. Watching the audience gathered to watch this event reminds me of the joined nation that we are...may America have many happy days in the future :).
Okay, first of all, let me clarify my first worst nightmare. The thing that I would absolutely dread to happen is if Evanescence, my favorite band, were to break up. Just be done. Over. Gone. Their music has helped me through so much. I can't even explain it.
And now they're taking another break. Seriously. I honestly wanted to ram my head into the nearest wall when I found out that after their (very successful) 2012 tour of their 2011 self titled album release Amy Lee announced that she and the gang were having cool down time. I mean, honestly? Their last break was 5 years long. 5 years. All I can say about this is that this next album had better blow me out of the water. Good God, I don't understand why of all bands my favorite one needs chill time so much lately. Though it kills me to say this, I would rather they leave the industry right now with all of this great material than keep taking breaks and stuff. It's just not fair to the fans. Ugh... I heard the smartest thing yesterday. I was taking a course on drugs (I seriously can't understand why people do that stuff) when the instructor started talking about friends and peer pressure. One person told her that they didn't want to lose their friend if they didn't take a hit or a sip or anything. Apparently, those friends were so important that they were willing to risk their futures for them.
While I was staring at the person with my eyebrows raised and a bemused expression on my face, the instructor said one of the smartest things that I have ever heard. "You know, some friends come and go. It's hard to lose them, but what I do to keep myself in check with that stuff is remember to say 'Some friends are there for a reason, and others for a season.' and remembers to cherish the reasonal and seasonal ones." That right there was one of the smartest things that I had ever heard. I've been having some problems lately and have honestly been losing sleep because of some frayed frienships. It's taken it's toll on me because I remember all those great times and want them back. But that phrase reminded me that thought some friends may be there for a season, like this one, others were there for a reason. Hey guys. Sorry I haven't been active in awhile. I just got back from a cross country trip last week, and with all the hustle and bustle of the new year, I haven't gotten around to this. Not to mention that I got about 4 hours worth fo sleep last night...not fun. Anyway. I'll figure something out. I have so much to say but I don't know how to say it...
Aha. I know exactly what I'm going to talk about. Les Miserables. Yes, I mean that movie which was based off the musical which was based off the book that is basically about being miserable in the French revolution. I saw that movie two weeks ago, and I gotta say, I was knocked off my feet. I'm not sure if that's a good thing though. First of all, I knew nothign of the plot whatsoever, other than the fact that therew as this cute kid named Cosettte and a prostitute dying of tuberculosis. It's funny how time works.
It's supposedly constantly repeating; if you look at a clock, you'll know what I mean. It starts and ends at 12, awlays going around in the same circle. The reality of it, however, is tha time never circles around. It only goes forward, and whether we like it or not, we go forward. Time seems to go at the same pace, but how do the days seem so long and the years so short? How is it that when in class it feels like everything stops except for the drone of the teacher's lecture, but the weekends fly by in the blink of an eye. It just makes no sense. That's why I am so determined to do something impacting with my life. Most of us only get roughly 80 years. I don't want to spend my 80 years cooped up in an office cubicle or something like that. The truth is, I'm scared of how fast time flies, and I want to be able to look back and smile at what I've done, not crave for another chance to do things a different way. I always want to look back and know that I made the right choice. Hello, everyone! I have decided to start yet another blog. Don't worry, though. I'm not leaving this one. This new blog is based on an entirely different concept. What if I were to blog with only one sentence per entry? And if I were to have one entry per day? Well, I think this idea is pretty darn cool, so I decided to go with it. The blog is called "A Single Sentence" because, well, that's basically what it is. A blog made up of entries with a single sentence each. It only has one entry because I started it today, but hopefully, if I can follow through with this, it'll become a pretty cool compilation of thoughts, ideas, dreams, and anything else that makes it into those sentences. Enjoy! Here is the link that will take you directly to it! Au Revoir!
Hi,
I am writing this in light of the tragic Connecticut shooting. I honestly don't know what to say. I can't even wrap my head around the fact that so many innocent people and children died. It really opens our eyes to how precious life is and how every day we should hold our loves ones tight. We all take so much for granted, and we need to take the time to be thankful for what we have. Please know that all of the victims and their families, along with the school that was targeted, is in my prayers. May the deceased rest in peace, and their families be able to recover from this horrible incident. I will be praying for you all. | About the AuthorA writer, poet, dreamer, artist, pianist, and hardcore Evanescence fan at once, I hope to save the world one smile at a time. ArchivesFebruary 2013 Categories |
RSS Feed