Because that would be a lie.
Though there are aspects of myself that I really like, I'm someone who naturally bases themselves on what other people think. I don't just follow and pursue things that I want to do because I love them, but because I always have that little voice in the back of my head reminding me that I have to do well. I have to do it right. I have to look good in other people's eyes.
I don't want praise. I don't long for it. But I fear being put down. I fear people saying, "God, you're really not so good at piano. Your drawings are mediocre." However, I have managed to build enough confidence surrounding my hobbies and interests that it doesn't affect me anymore. I'm able to listen to my rock music when everyone else is listening to Taylor Swift and not care what they think.
But my outside appearence is a completely different story.
Let's just say that I'm working on the confidence factor of that. I'm forcing myself to think positive, and try not to nitpick all of those little things. I guess it's the way of females, but I hate it. I hate the way I have so many issues about my weight and things that people insist aren't there. I hate the fact that I don't have any real problems and that I should appreciate myself but on the inside I can't help but not.
I feel so guilty for feeling the way I do. I just want to throw those stupid tapes out the window and watch them crash to the ground. I want to one day just wake up and say, "God, I feel beautiful today. I don't care if other people think I'm not but I know I am and that's all that matters." I want to one day stop modeling myself after Victoria's Secret models and just love myself.
However, my little self love project came crashing to the ground yesterday.
I was chatting with a friend over FaceTime and I asked her how this guy was, let's call him Richard. Richard had been extremely nice to me lately, and was hinting at asking me out the next time we met. I was so excited, especially because he was making such a big deal about talking about how pretty I was.
And then it turned out that he didn't think that of me at all. He was only saying that so the friend that I was chatting to would be nicer to him, because us two are pretty close and he figured that if he liked me that it would all be rainbows and buttercups. Richard never had a crush on me and never wanted to ask me out. When my friend told me this, my jaw hit the ground.
It then proceeded to go through the floor when she told me that Richard had been talking about me. Apparently I was "ugly" and "annoying". Me. Ugly. Annoying. My biggest fears were coming to life. A guy who I thought had liked me actually thought I was closer to some horrendous nuisance than a person. Even though I tried not to care about it, I began to freak out.
Though people insisted that he was just a creep and a backstabbing liar, it all landed on deaf ears. So now I have another tape in my head of someone else's voice telling me that I'm ugly and annoying. I'm not letting it outwardly affect me and my head tells me that I shouldn't judge myself on some random guy who has a need for gossip.
My heart tells me different.
My heart tells me that he's not just saying it to say it and that he's right and that I need to work out more and run 5 miles a day and keep my mouth shut. That I need to closet my combat boots and start listening to "normal" music and wear some lip gloss instead of eyeliner.
Thank God for my rebellious side. Thank God for the fact that I love Amy Lee and Evanescence and Breaking Benjamin, Linkin Park, Flyleaf, Apocalyptica, Skillet, and all of my other rock bands too much to stop listening. Thank God that my combat boots happen to go with everything and are the most comfortable shoes that I have ever had.
Thank God that I still have enough of a sense of myself to keep moving forward no matter what some jerk decides to say about me to everyone else.
But that hasn't stopped my heart from breaking when I think about.
That hasn't stopped hating the mirror.
That hasn't stopped the tapes.